How To Get A Girlfriend Book

The best and worst 'how to get a girl' books, ranked

Once upon a time, some guy got laid and now he knows what you're doing wrong and is willing to charge for the answer. Yes, everyone else thinks they can fix your romantic life. But is the advice worth reading?

As a sometime victim of you paperback lotharios (this girl gets around), I read five of the best-selling pickup pubs so you don't have to. What I found: There's good, awful, and—surprisingly—genius on the shelves.

Rate that book:

4 star: The last love advice you'll even need.
3 star: Read while standing in the bookstore.
2 star: Wanna end up lonely and reviled?
1 star: Author's ankle bracelet goes off near playgrounds.

We've ranked them from best to worst.

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5 Of The Best How To Get A Girl Books Ranked

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'Mate: Become the Man Women Want' by Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller

Rating: ★★★★

Backstory: In a move of genius packaging, an evolutionary biologist teamed up with a man no woman would ever date based on his best-selling but vile I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Better title: How Not to Be Tucker Max.

Gist: Mate hits the healthy balance of science and actionable steps on not being a douche: Highlight your attractive traits, and improve your weaker ones. Rack up small wins. Get therapy. Call out others' "terrible creepy bullshit".

Tips:

Account for a woman's perspective: Work on your agreeableness and your assertiveness.
Meet women through your social life.

Takeaway: Two-and-a-half million years of evolution have made it pretty clear what women want: a "tender defender" who showers.

'Hef's Little Black Book' by Hugh Hefner

Rating: ★★★

Backstory: The alpha smut-peddler was always really good at the articles.

Gist: 80% brilliant and 20% assholey, this earns a solid B.

The pajamaed prince of soft porn offers no strategies, just truisms that will either fix your game or foul it: Don't talk yourself out of scoring; the best antidote for a lost love is a new one; adventure always makes love worth it.

Pages later, he suggests your "adventure" might include five consenting Ivanka look-alikes wearing bunny ears.

Tips:

"It's not what you say in a pickup line, it's what you don't say. The best line is not a line, the best line is listening." "If you don't see the humor in sex, you don't see the humanity in it."
"Grotto love has its ups and downs."

Takeaway: "It's better to remain friends no matter what." Also, blue pills help.

'The Man's Guide to Women' by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman

Rating: ★★★

Bacstory: Married researchers at "the Love Lab" boast 94% success in predicting who will divorce. Worst party trick ever.

Gist: "Women want heroes; men want oodles of women" gets replaced by "Men want diapered DNA and better sex." When she bids that you listen, do it—you'll get laid till death do you part.

Tips:

Kiss for six seconds when you say goodbye. And when you say hello.
Porn is not sex. No woman wants to get pounded at the rate you love your right hand.

Takeaway: She smells Mr. Right pheromones in your dirty shirts.

'Rules of the Game' by Neil Strauss

Rating: ★★

Backstory: Dudebro Neil Strauss made bank with his first book, The Game, and continues to cash in.

Gist: A 30-day "stylelife challenge" designed to separate you from $16.99 and make you repulsive to women. Each day is a fortune cookie of bipolar jackholery: Don't be a pussy; don't be too interested. Name what's wrong with you; remind yourself you're a badass. Throw a party and invite her but not, like, enthusiastically.

Tips:

Day 4: Don't bathe, don't shave.
Day 5: Shower, shave.
Day 17: Don't buy her a drink—you don't need to pay for her attention.
Day 30: Commit to greatness.

Takeaway: There's one inescapable law of dating. You won't find it here, but it's universal, like gravity: Bathe.

'How to Be a 3% Man' by Corey Wayne

Rating: ★

Backstory: This YouTube addict's self-published 700-plus-page memoir is subtitled Learn Pickup, Dating & Relationship Secrets That Only 3% of the Worlds [sic] Men Know About Being Successful with Women! For all this misogyny, the other 97% should read that as Disastrous Dating Tips for Imbeciles.

Gist: Men's-rights rants promote videos like "Dominant Behavior… Gets You Laid," which in turn pimp Wayne's coaching service—all of which is guaranteed to get both drinks and orders of protection thrown in your face. Based on the premise that men shouldn't listen to women, it includes chapters like "The Many Shades of No". Dudes: There is only ever one shade, and that's NO.

Tips:

"Seeking her approval causes rejection."
"It's about slowly breaking down her resistance until she feels safe and comfortable enough to let you have your way with her."

Takeaway: Post-bathing rituals include spray tans, comb-overs, and grabbing 'em by the pussy.